Relearning Feminism

            When I first thought about making the jump to Japan for a year plus, I tried to prepare myself for a lot of different things. I thought that the language would knock me out, that the bustle of the city would rustle me out, that Japanese food would be the next best thing or terrifying or both. But what shocked me the most, what challenged the way I thought and worked and breathed in the world, wasn’t anything to do with Japan—it was all about me.

            Suddenly I was very conscious about the way I looked and felt in my clothes, and in my body. The weather was hot, but I’ve always been uncomfortable in shorts, would rather wear jeans. The day was full of walking but my tennis shoes didn’t fit in. I was constantly uncomfortable and felt trapped in the heat, in a body that didn’t match the ones I saw. Back home, taking the time to put on foundation and powder was all it took to become girly. In Minnesota I felt that I competed both with women who knew how to style their hair like I wanted to but couldn't, and also with women that made it a point to boast about non-make up dogma. But I had a balance I could work with. I found a special nook where I didn’t have to think about it too much. After all, I had been navigating that competition for all of my twenty-two years as a female. I was free to be the Midwestern American feminist--or, what I had up until this point just called feminism, no limiters neccessary--in a t-shirt, in a hoodie, in sneakers or flats, or jeans, or sweatpants, or any variety of comfortable I wanted. But what I didn’t realize until Japan was that that nook was just as culturally defined as any other aspect of my gender—no matter how much I thought it was an expression of my nonchalance. Yes, I claimed feminism, but now I had to also claim my reliance on my culture in creating that comfort. And I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t as accepting of that last part as I should have been.

            I guess what I mean to say is I had a very clear idea of what it meant to break out of gender roles by the time I finished with undergrad, but that was just because I had a clear idea of what those gender roles were. In Minnesota I saw women wearing jeans daily, sneakers daily, running the farm daily, but I also saw them being housewives and mothers and making less money than their male counterparts. So for me, the look of a woman was all wrapped up in the idea of feminism. It could be a good or a bad thing, or a weird combination of both. What I put on my body had as much to do with my feminism as what kind of genitals I had. But even still, I felt perfectly liberated in what I was wearing, and I've recently learned that that liberation might not have come from feminism but from culture. My culture was comfortable with women looking like I looked, and I felt it was generally accepted that I have whatever opinions I had, because I was the middle ground--I could blend in. And over the years I had been able to draw the line between certain kinds of femininity as bad or as good. I could tell, like some kind of futuristic fem-dar whether a girl was accepting of the term feminist by what she looked like. Hipster-pretty-fairy-girl, feminist. Queer-rocker, feminist. Victoria's Secret Pink brand-casual-country-chic, not feminist. What I’m really talking about is a phenomenon of privilege but also of ignorance where one feminist says to another that your feminism is wrong. It’s like me trying to tell another woman that she shouldn’t wear a hijab or a tube top or a binder, that she shouldn’t shave or stay at home with her children. And if one version of this phenomenon is easy to resist to me, other versions tended to be a little less obvious. So when I felt out of place sitting on a train in jeans and a t-shirt, make-up half melting off my face, staring at tall, thin, gorgeous women in floral skirts and high heels, unfortunately my first reaction was incredibly negative. I disliked these women because they beat me in the competition, but also because I thought that somehow I knew better. And that's what made the failure so hurtful. I felt pressured to be more feminine, and I attributed this to a society that held tighter to oppressive gender roles. Sound familiar? I had tried to use my Midwestern fem-dar on people who weren't Midwestern, and eventually I had to learn that the fem-dar just didn't work period. It was really just a judgmental lie I had told myself to make me think I was smarter than other women. It was a crutch I used when I wanted to justify why I felt uncomfortable in my own clothing and why it wasn't my fault I was uncomfortable.

            I admit that it took me a while to really let all of this new information set in and I had drafted more than one blog post about various topics ranging from the strange, conflicting ideas of sex and women in Japan, and how I felt sad or ugly under new, but mostly familiar ideas of gender, to wanting to criticize the unique, crazy fashions of some Japanese as not all that unique and perfectly predictable. But as I dwelled more on what I was writing I realized that I knew almost nothing about these subjects and was only offering a half-assed blog about my hurt feelings and fears. So instead I wanted to offer my readers the sources I that I think do this subject much more justice and have sparked interest in me, as well as leave you with the promise of an update on feminism in Japan and body image once I’ve spent more time here and really nailed down important ideas and thoughts.

            But really, what I want most as I share my experiences on here is the opportunity to do my part in bringing feminism out from its place as a dirty, negatively charged word. Feminists everywhere are being criticized as man-haters and extremists in ways that completely reaffirm the need for feminism. I cannot begin to imagine the hell that the world would be were all strong, public feminists successfully shut down for voicing their opinions by the people out there right now trying to do so. And if I can at least share the simple idea that feminism is not something to be used to put down others, in the way that I learned I couldn’t use feminism to express my unrest in a new culture, then I will have started to do my part. I know that for a lot of us it’s hard to navigate our way through a very political landscape when it’s riled with definitions we don’t understand or worse, meanings that are misused and misrepresented, but I wanted to start the discussion, I wanted to at least document part of my journey through that landscape. Being transported into a different culture with different ideas of gender norms, self expression, and liberation will challenge what you think you know—and now it’s time to learn what four years at Morris didn’t teach me. I still haven't learned what gender and liberation is here, so I guess, bear with me.

* Sources to check out on feminismmmmm

Emma Watson’s UN speech and the He For She Campaign: http://www.upworthy.com/her-voice-might-tremble-but-emma-watsons-message-is-strong-and-clear

A Story from The Moth on feeling beautiful: http://www.upworthy.com/they-were-friends-but-she-was-in-love-when-she-tells-the-crowd-what-he-said-they-go-silent?c=hpstream

Emma Sulkowicz’s story and how colleges need step it up: http://time.com/author/emma-sulkowicz/

** Up Next on Gaijin Kid: The trials of the Immigration Office……