At Least it's Not American Idol, Amiriiight?

            It may be that Japanese TV shows are, in general, more colorful, more enthusiastic, more lighthearted than American ones, but also they’re no Real Housewives of Orange County. It’s been hard to give that one up, I’m not going to lie to you, and if honesty is the game…not totally sure it’s been all that great gaining these new fascinating, exciting, and ultimately mind boggling replacements for entertainment. I mean, am I being entertained? Language barrier aside, Japanese TV is certainly an experience. So here is a rundown of my understanding of it all. Let us start with the dramas, my usual favorite.

            Hero, a Japanese drama currently airing after the completion of Buzzer Beat (an equally engaging but also confusing drama about the semi forbidden love of a basketball star and a violinist, maybe)…

            What I think is happening: Hero follows the surprising adventures of a group of goof ball albeit well dressed lawyers, cops?, as they complete quests handed down from their super duper serious boss, mob leader?, who is kind of handsome for an older guy in a suit. But the hero, of course, is an off the wall guy who refuses to take part in societal norms, like business professional clothing (you go glen coco), and kind of looks like Judd Nelson. Hero, as he’s secretly called by the other, somewhat inferior lawyers or cops always finishes his quest first and is all the more closer to winning the heart of his lady, who was the violinist in Buzzer Beat and is actually really awesome.

           

            What is actually happening according to several online wiki sources*: Kohei Kuryu, the HERO (the show, and his role, is so famous that the only picture of that actor on his wiki page is of his outfit on the show) of our story, works as a prosecutor in Tokyo. But what’s special about him, ala Sherlock style, is that he approaches cases (and wardrobe) differently than all other prosecutors—and he has been doing so for a while so suck it up boss man. He takes his job to the streets, investigates the crime scene, and works hard to find the truth. He does this because once he was a suspect in a felony and a humble city prosecutor was the only one who believed he didn’t do it, since then he’s been paying him back for his kindness by giving back to OTHERS. How charming. An assistant in the office, Chika Asagi, is often stuck working with this nonconformist guy and learns from him in the process, and plus side, she’s beautiful. I mean, I was pretty close. Fun fact, Hero’s first season aired in 2001, was followed by a miniseries and a feature film, and has come back in 2014 for season number two. Like, damn, make your fans wait much? Just try and beat that one Sherlockians.

            Next on the plate (heh) are Japanese food shows, which are literally always on and have worked themselves into parts of other shows, too.

            What I think is happening: Some cruel, cruel producer (or god) picks random B-list celebrities to compete in a variety of challenges that test the strengths of their stomachs and their wits to keep down concoctions of seafood and vegetables I don’t know the name of and then makes them guess some fact about the price or the cooking or the history of the dish. The loser pays for everyone else’s food. Sometimes there’s really fancy stuff that still looks kind of not that tasty, but at least it’s fancy, and all the time there’s outbursts of surprise and OISHIII that make your head spin. You thought Japanese people were quiet and super polite right!? Ahahahahaha. It’s a cruel world forcing people to eat small portions and then showing them food shows like this 24/7.

            What is actually happening according to Yuu sometimes**: People don’t usually get to eat those kinds of things (high end seafood dishes, or Kobe Beef, for example) because it’s expensive and lavish, so they do these shows to teach people about the areas of Japan or even the world that make those dishes, and have fun because the celebrities are funny. The problem is, I can tell that they’re funny because everyone laughs but I can’t understand the joke in A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE. My life is difficult, obviously. Overall, I’d probably not eat most of those foods anyway, so the repetition of oishii and EHHH just, omg, just stop please. This is the experience I was talking about earlier.

            And finally the news?, or talk shows?, or what?

            What I think is happening: A group of about ten news anchors, who have subsequently become very famous in Japan, go about the day talking about the news. But there’s only about fifteen minutes of real news worth talking about so they have to fill the hours with trips across Japan—during which they send out a news anchor in a funny outfit (like overalls and a bandana necktie?) to do things like walk a dog and talk to people, or ride a bus and talk to people, or EAT FOOD and talk to people. Then the audience goes back to the studio where someone is standing by a large board with writing on it and they go through the board to peel away stickers hiding surprising information as the anchors try to guess what it is before they reveal it. Like the food shows there’s quite a lot of EHHHH and OOOOOO and laughter. But hey, those board things are super colorful and I’m starting to recognize the anchors enough that I think if I bumped into one in Tokyo I might actually be excited. At some point, I think they go back to talking about the news again, or politics, or business, but most usually they just go out and talk to more people.

            What is actually happening: I may never know.

* But mostly I used this one: http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Hero

** I used to ask Yuu to translate for me, but I started to realize that I don’t really care anymore.

Up Next on Gaijin Kid: Why women feel like they’re drowning here, or probably.

           

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Extra Ketchup Kudasai

            Survival instincts tend to kick in after a handful of exhausted hours in a new place, like being transported to the shores of Homo erectus where food—yummy comfort food especially—is never certain. If science is to prove anything, it’s that where generations of a population have adapted to specific food availability, Midwestern individuals, basically, do not. What I would give for Don’s grilled cheese or my dad’s sausage alfredo anything, a side of potatoes, and a reasonable amount of ketchup for any reasonably sized American—which is stereotypically obese by the way, let’s just clear that up. Consider for a moment that large pops at Japanese McDonalds’ are assumed to be shared between two people.

            Or is he smiling because I kept him all to myself?

            And then there’s this shining specialty item that Liz has dubbed double-gaijin-size:

It was definitely shared, but was distinctly lacking ketchup. Seriously Japan, you don’t have to keep condiments out in the lobby if you don’t want to, but don’t think you can replace America’s open ended supply with one measly little packet. Please extra ketchup! Ketchupo oomeni kudasai!

But I haven’t been eating all my meals at fast food chains. Japan has this way of making you feel like you want to be healthy, or at least balanced. Sometimes the only things that taste normal are the vegetables, and that’s OKAY! And the thing with rice is that it does fill you up at the very least. That must be the secret guys, Americans just eat too much of the wrong grain.

So here goes…a quick and dirty tour of my gaijin eating habits, with fewer of my generalizations of our two countries and their food. 

Yuu's mother has made for me many comforting meals, oishii!

Much rice has been consumed since I've come to Japan, but going on my fourth week and I no longer feel ashamed to eat a smaller portion than everyone else. There are times, though, that rice is absolutely necessary, like when it is added to a curry dish, or the only thing you can pick up with your chopsticks. 

            The actual hardest thing to eat with chopsticks is this dish from a Chinese restaurant (distinctly not American style), and fun fact, this was the only dish on the menu that did not contain seafood:

            And finally, where would Japan be without iced milk tea (NEW FAVORITE OMG), and cat-esque donuts? She was as delicious as she was kawaii ^^

* Up next on Gaijin Kid: Japanese TV, or What the actual fuck is happening right now!?, or Accepting that I may never know what is happening right now.

          

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